Mini Marvels are good times.

Comic Book Resources has an interview with Chris Giarusso up, talking about his Mini Marvels strip and the upcoming digest of same.




The Mini Marvels, they make me laugh.

You talked me into it, let's go for a run.

"Run With Us," performed by Lisa Lougheed, and used as the end credit theme to The Raccoons.


Watching this video satisifies 400% of your recommended daily value of 80s synthpop, so viewing this playlist in one sitting will most likely kill you.

I spent the last few years building up an immunity to iocaine powder the 80s.

"So Darned...Handsome!"

After almost two decades out of print, Marvel is once again collecting the Longshot miniseries from 1985 by Ann Nocenti and Art Adams, this time in a premiere hardcover. Not that it's all that difficult to still find original copies, but a slick reprint never hurt anyone. What will hurt, though, is a blah cover like the one on Amazon's pre-order page. Compare it with the cover to the Longshot TPB from 1989:


Of course, the new version won't be out until July, so there is a great chance that most of the book's design has not been finalized yet. Anything would be better than Longshot placed over a blue background, but here's an option: how about a new Art Adams piece re-imagining the cover to Longshot #4? Here's the original cover to refresh your memory:


That's actually a little too small, you can hardly see what's going on there. Here's a larger version:


Awesome. Yeah, that Longshot sure is a great character, with that mullet and the bandoleer and the what-not...which brings me to my next point: the 80s were a decade of give-and-take for fashion. For every picture of She-Hulk wearing leg warmers, there were a hundred pictures of a mutant with a hockey haircut and eight fingers, and the pages of Longshot were no exception. But you wouldn't know it from this post because look out here's another shot of She-Hulk:


If only we lived in a world where the flawless aesthetics of 80s workout gear were properly regarded. If...only...


Eric Prydz' "Call On Me" samples Steve Winwood's "Valerie" (and Winwood even rerecorded the vocals, which was swell of him), and it is the bee's knees. And as you can see from the playlist, those dancers would go on to put out an exercise video, "Pump It Up: The Ultimate Dance Workout," and would reunite again for the video to the Hughes Corporation's "What A Feeling." Not as great as "Call On Me," but Deanna Barry licks Juan's face, which brought to mind Kate Nauta (who has a birthday tomorrow) licking Jason Statham's face in The Transporter 2, and so you can just skip ahead in the fourth clip to 1:33 if you want to see that (and I think you do).


So, what have we learned today? Well, I learned that you can get what you want and still be happy, that the Australian accent truly is the funniest of the accents, and most importantly, that even if your mutant power is being incredibly lucky, it cannot save you from the fickle nature of what is fashionable.

Because nobody wants to be a Friend of Bill W.

If you ever find yourself in attendance of an AA meeting or, heaven forbid, a Drug and Alcohol Safety Educational Program, you're going to need a hat.* So I made this hat, which proudly declares the wearer an "Enemy of Bill W." Order yours today, especially if you're the testy type who likes to upset people at AA meetings, or also especially if you're just the pleasant type who likes to get along well with others at drinking engagements.

*Other places you might need a hat: baseball games, church, anywhere really.

The Saturday Sketch: The Rock as Superman

Another week, another entry into what will eventually be a 64 candidate bracket for the "funniest comedy sketch of ALL TIME." From Saturday Night Live, here is The Rock as Superman:



This is exactly what I'm talking about when I'm talking about the Rock pretending to be Clark Kent pretending not to be Superman.

Also, while Jimmy Fallon would not be my first choice to play Jimmy Olsen, nor Molly Shannon my first choice to play Lois Lane, Superman Returns would have been infinity percent more enjoyable with them in it.

Also The Rock.

Also ah hell let's just call it a day and use this sketch as the template for Superman VI: We Know It's You, Clark.

PREVIOUSLY: Turns out Bryan Singer had NO IDEA what he was doing.

A Grind-My-Gears Venture Friday

It really grinds my gears that I'm not watching the 3rd season of the Venture Bros. right now!

Numerology: For those who aren't superstitious, just regular-type stitious.

Satirizing the meaning behind numbers is blowing up, yo.

Uuiu is what makes time travel possible.

It might still be too early too tell, but so far it seems that riffing on Marvin Berry calling his cousin in Back to the Future is a joke premise with a lot of juice in it. It was used recently in the Onion for a brief story, and that article comes very shortly after this episode of The Simpsons aired:


Both of those references were beat to the punch by Family Guy, though, when that show rick-rolled its audience last May, with an impressed Marvin Astley alerting his cousin that he had found that "mediocre, generic sound you've been looking for." Unfortunately, Hulu has not made that clip available, but that should not stop you from loading the original, grabbing a rotary, and reenacting the scene for your own amusement at home.

Even better than that, though, would be to somehow go back in time and create the first joke using the premise established in Back to the Future. But that could create a rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum, or some kind of butterfly effect...I don't know. What do you think, Ultimate Reed Richards?


Great Scott, he's right! And nothing would bring me more satisfaction than filming myself in the role of Marvin Cobain Astley Berry Beethoven, reacting to the symphonic stylings of a time-traveling concert pianist with a call to my cousin: "Hey Ludwig, you know that new inter-movement unity with regard to interlocking thematic devices in music you've been looking for? Well LISTEN TO THIS!"

To which, of course, he would say, "What? What? I can't hear you, I went deaf years ago, and the telephone won't even be invented for another century!"

The only thing left to do then is to post the completed farce here at MatM with the timestamp set to November 11, 1955, making my version of the joke premise the first to appear even in abstract fictional terms. No, make that ESPECIALLY in abstract fictional terms.

Curl up...into a MORPH ball

When I heard Shayne say she wanted to curl up into a ball and go to another place, I immediately thought of another woman who tends to do that. Then when Shayne's mother showed the home video of Shayne's acrobatics, I thought, "Fuck it, man, she's got the chops. If she wants to be famous, this is the part for her." Let's get this petition started, Shayne Lamas as Samus Aran in a damn Metroid movie. I am almost halfway serious about this, people. 46%.

And then Noelle's sister kept getting listed onscreen as her mother, and I was all, "ouch that's rough!"

When I say "Lesbian" you say "Style"!

If I were to write a comic featuring Batwoman, it would be found offensive by a lot of people, it probably would not sell all that great, and bottom-line it likely would not be any damn good, but I can tell you this: it would be a consistent interpretation of the character and her motivations.

PREVIOUSLY: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT I WEAR DRESSES ALL THE TIME!

Various on Sunday

Today we celebrate the birth of a real swell guy, who did a lot for National Social...you know what, maybe it's best if we just focus on me some more:


April made me that cake, and I ated it. Thanks, April! Okay, enough about birthdays. Here's a video from last week of the guys losing the cue ball inside an automated pool table:


When you hear what sounds like an old lady crying, be aware that those noises are actually my stifled guffaws from behind the camera.

The Saturday Sketch: The State does Fast Food

Here is an entry that Tanner suggested for our upcoming bracket that will decide which of 64 contenders is "the funniest comedy sketch of all time." It is from MTV's The State, a show which taught me the meaning of uncomfortable when I when I watched the sketch "Grandma's Potato Chowder" while my actual grandmother was in the room. Anyways, here's "Fast Food":


What is it about the name "Carl" (or really, let's be honest here, "Karl") that makes you want to scream it out loud in a way that totally demeans its owner? (SEE ALSO: Billy Madison)

Party Party Join Us Join Us

Today we celebrate the birth of a real swell guy, who had the good sense to be born in San Francisco on the 77th anniversary of the 7.7 earthquake that fucked up that city pretty raw, a confluence of sevens that might account for certain stores of good fortune. Or, since the quake tied for the 17th largest to ever hit the U.S., it might just be random chance.

Sherlockbot & The Case of the Purloined Piggybank

A funny sketch Duncan entered into Youtube's "Sketchies II" contest. He made the Top 10, but will he be NUMBER ONE? There is a good chance. You have been watching all the Waverly Flams, have you not?

Pop Culture Bullet Points for the First Fiscal Quarter

• Boston Legal occasionally has some funny and subtle fourth-wall breaks, like last night's handling of the writer's strike: "During the strike, I fell in love." "What strike?" "It doesn't matter, the point is I met somebody wonderful."
• South Park sometimes does not have some funny and subtle fourth-wall breaks, and has been known to spend upwards of an entire episode yammering about the writer's strike.
  
• Catwoman has been canceled. I never did get around to buying issue #69, and it seems as though that was the case with a lot of other people, too. (Do titles experience a #69 bump? they totally should that would be hilarious)
• The funniest way I ever ordered movie tickets was when I bought tickets for 2 Fast 2 Furious, and I said, "I need 2 tickets for 2 Fast, 2 Furious, 2 Nite!" The title of the new The Fast and the Furious movie is Fast and Furious. I don't think there's anything I can do with that.
  

You're my little snow monkey.

Apropos of nothing, I think it would be ideal if every season of The Bachelor started with the fancy cocktail party, where all the ladies get all dolled up and soused and then THE BACHELOR makes ten of them cry, like it does. But then, starting the next day, and here's the twist, none of the bachelorettes are allowed access to any hygiene or grooming products for 72 hours. No makeup, no razors, no toothbrushes, no nothin'. Then, completely free of metaphor and pet names, THE BACHELOR would be able to see who the REAL snow monkeys are, if by snow monkeys I mean ladies who fall apart after 19 hours without hygiene or grooming products.

(Lazer) Fun with (Toy) Guns

BJ had to do a photography project this last weekend that involved creating a story out of pictures, and so he had me and John stage a carjacking. When he develops the B&W photos he took, I feel safe in saying that they will be hilarious, especially if these preproduction stills are anything to go by:



BJ decided to go with those cheap plastic cowboy pistols as the weapon of choice for the carjacking, but that wasn't our only option, since we also had access to some choice video game accessories.


Two sights means TWICE THE LAZER!LAZER! That's like eight LAZERS!

In Space Everyone Can Hear You Wax Nostalgic

A lot of people really seem to like this Battlestar Galactica show, which just seems like a bunch of grife to me. Not that there's anything wrong with liking BSG. I like plenty of sci-fi, so who the shock am I to tell people what to like? Gorram nobody, that's who.

The Saturday Sketch: "Never Put Salt In Your Eyes"

Today's entry as a potential candidate for "greatest comedy sketch of all time" is from season 4 of the Kids in the Hall. A morality tale about cleaning your contact lenses, "Never Put Salt In Your Eyes" also makes excellent use of the comedy rule of threes.

A Grind-My-Gears Free Friday

The sun is shining, God is in her heaven above, and all is right in the world. On a day like today, nothing could grind my gears.

Evan and John go see some minor league baseball.

How was it? It was good. The Naturals lost their first home game, but there were a lot of foul balls and one foul bat. Also two shattered bats. And some jets and a helicopter and one loud cannon (no fireworks). Mostly I just really like minor league baseball because the games always make me feel like I'm about three weeks of training away from joining the team.

Penguins or some junk...

The Onion AV Club has a feature up about gimmicky tv cameos intended to boost ratings, which does right by calling How I Met Your Mother the best three-camera sitcom on television, as well as mentioning the Van Damme cameo on Friends (which you really should watch, and then you never have to see another episode of Friends again).

But the gimmicky tv cameo I like the most has to be Jay Sherman's appearance on The Simpsons, a move so abhorrent in principle to Matt Groening that he wouldn't put his name on the episode or record commentary for the DVD. Whev, though, because that episode is funny, and so was The Critic itself:



Remember, if anyone gives you extra sass, you just got to whip out that penguin "whine, whinewhine whine" to set them straight.

Flocke Fever - Catch It!

Flocke, the winsome polar bear cub who has captured the hearts and minds of millions, made her public debut today at the Nuremberg Zoo, and if I didn't know better, I'd say the little tyke has been taking her fashion cues from our favorite Bachelorette:


This just in: reports from Nuremberg are now saying that all Flocke wants to do is drink white wine and work on her tan, but she is also down for snuggling so everything is OKAY.

Whiskey Boot

Is your rampant alcoholism causing rifts between you and your family, friends and coworkers? At the same time, would you rather not give up being a rampaging alcoholic? Well, now your prayers have been answered (assuming you were praying about this)! Introducing Whiskey Boot, the patented system of secretly storing your whiskey in a boot in your closet where no one can find it!

Yes, Whiskey Boot! A longtime secret of the boozin' stars, including Rocky IV's Brigitte Nielsen and probably someone else maybe as well, Whiskey Boot is now available to the public, and it can be your secret too! But don't just take my word for it! See what these real-life Whiskey Boot aficionados have to say about drinking whiskey out of a boot!


Children love Whiskey Boot, too! No, wait, children do not love it, but pets do, and that's slightly more acceptable!

How much would you pay to keep your dark, soused secret safe from those around you. $10? $100? $1,000? Try three easy payments of nothing! That's right, Whiskey Boot is completely free! All you need is a bottle of whiskey...and a boot (whiskey and boot not included)!

Try it today!

You should not operate heavy machinery while using Whiskey Boot. Side effects may include drowsiness, nausea, increased risk of awesomeness at parties, and slight dementia. Paid for by the Committee to Drink Whiskey out of Boots (CDWB).

John done moved back.

The Saturday Sketch: Monty Python's Oscar Wilde

After last week's How I Met Your Mother, in which Barney organizes a bracket to determine which jilted lady-type is wrecking his sets, Tanner and I have decided to organize a bracket of our own. This bracket will determine the funniest comedy sketches of all time, and we will keep track of the 64 entrants using a large rolling chalkboard, just as soon as we can steal one from a kindergarten classroom. We're still a month or two away from actually setting this up, but I'm going to start posting a sketch each Saturday to help me keep track of the entries I will be making in the official bracket.

This week, Monty Python's Flying Circus' "The Oscar Wilde Sketch":


Feel free to post any suggestions for other entrants in the comments section.

A Grind-My-Gears Jaguar Attack Friday

As far as super mutant powers go, you could probably do a lot worse than ending up with some variation of "emotional manipulation." Sure, some straight up telepathy would be a hell of a lot more useful in most situations, but making the people around you extremely horny will usually do in a pinch. Unless, that is, you find yourself in a pinch against...a jaguar!


And in New Mutants #62, that is exactly what happens to Empath, the token emotional manipulator for Emma Frost's Hellions. As Empath, or Manuel Alfonso Rodrigo de la Rocha for short, quickly learns, jaguars are emotionally stunted creatures who only know how to express themselves through violence.


Empath's plan to not get his shit clawed likely involved trying to emotionally manipulate the jaguar into crying, but have you ever seen a jaguar cry? Look into these eyes and tell me you see even an ounce of compassion:


Frankly, that jaguar's give-a-damn is busted. Luckily for Empath, he is traveling with fellow Hellion Amara, whose mutant power to wield sticks actually works really well against jaguars.



And that is the story of how two Hellions beat up a jungle cat. So what grinds my gears about all that? Well, even though it's about 20 years too late to complain, New Mutants #62 turned out to be a weird one-off story about these two getting lost in the Amazon (and also it is awesome so that's good), but there's kind of a cliffhanger that never got properly resolved and now it never will and that really grinds my gears because I just read this yesterday.

Get It Boy

The following is how I want to be remembered when I am dead, far in the future, after a long, courageous battle with gettin' it.

Yaw Trick Yaw

Soulja Boy, the visionary genius behind the hit "Crank That (Soulja Boy)", has recently scored again with the instant classic "Yahhh!", a brave indictment of tricks everywhere. If you've heard it, you know that Soulja Boy spends much of the comedy skit cum hip-hop track saying "Yahhh!" in an effort to keep people up out of his face.

Usually, a "yah" or "ya" would be used to indicate agreement, but it is possible that Soulja Boy is expressing "Yahhh!" for "yaw," or a rotation around a vertical axis, like when you shake your head to express "no." If that is the case, substituting "yaw" for "Yahhh!" will likely clear up any confusion fans everywhere may have about Soulja Boy's intentions.

Everywhere, that is, except in Bulgaria, where shaking your head means "yes," while nodding means "no." But honestly, I really don't think they'll care.

Hot Elevator Action

(The key words for today's post are in BOLD.)

Today, after we parked the car, Shayne Lamas and I got stuck in a parking garage elevator that broke down somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd levels. Luckily, Shayne had a camera and today's paper in her handbag, so we were able to prove that the reason for the faulty 'vator was because its permit had expired yesterday.


When we were finally rescued, the near-forgotten daylight was so bright Shayne had to put on her shades. I checked my watch and realized we had been stuck in the elevator for nearly two hours. Shayne had missed a tanning appointment, and was so mad she threw a shoe at me.

April Fools! Nah, but elevator safety is something you should always take seriously.