Pist. German Shepard Style.

Life is full of easy decisions. One such easy decision is sleeping with a woman a decade your junior because she talks out of one side of her mouth and has the quality of being constantly stoned. I've fallen for a handful of Sarah's in my life with just those qualities, so I know from experience how Stork, Travis Stork, is feeling right now. And by right now, I mean months ago, during taping.


"I felt the same way about Sarah tonight. Sarah's personality radiates with everything she does, including when she talks out of one side of her mouth. I hope she understood that I did want to kiss her, but I'm just not going to do that at this point. I also hope she understand that I find the fact that she is obviously smoking rocks to be really hot. I just get so mad thinking about how in five or six years, she won't be as hot as she is now, but she'll be just as stupid."


Now, I don't get mad all that often, so when I do, a lot of people are generally very surprised and wet in their crotches, for one reason or another, by the end of it. Usually, boys are wet in their crotches because they made pee-pee, and girls are wet because they need my babies and also made pee-pee. Or they're raggin'. Which is code for "Medbing."

Hear that, higher education? I'm applying your stupid ancient nonsense to real-life situations and events and reality-show snarking!

And another one! I would never, NEVER, say anything about this to Stork's, Travis Stork's, face. And that is because the man would probably go all Cúchulainn on me and bust my lacrimals AND my vomer. He's a doctor, for German Shepard's sake. He knows what facial bones he's destroying when he destroys them.