Comics/Politics/Another Polar Pic!

Having your jersey number be 69 is crass, as is collecting every number 1 (collector's item!) comic. Collecting every number 69 comic? An idea that only a boy could think of! And so it is that I order Ultimate X-Men #69, a feat that Kirkman, Oliver, and a teen rating that is suggested for teens and up, could not get me to do normally. Better luck next time, Catwoman #54!

And you can have these:

• Brandon Routh as Superman definitely has the metropolisexual look down!
• It's not illegal search and seizure! It's freedom-tapping!
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My Mom is Really Funny.

My mom thought that new girl on How I Met Your Mother was the same girl that they left in the shopping cart in Animal House, most likely because she refuses to believe it has been three decades since that movie was made. She even asked Dad if he thought it was her. He said, "Yes, except she'd be 40 now."

"Well, then how is it her?"

"Maybe it's not," he said.

"Look," I said, using IMDB. "Her name is Ashley Williams."

"Weird," said Mom.

Then, she had an old lady rant about ice machines in fridges.

Anybody can love Moby Dick. Whales...and sales. Sails.

The 10 year plan is the new 5 year plan. But in order for me to be where I want to be by the end of 2015, I'm going to need power laces.

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Besides that, I cannot say TOO much about my 10 year plan. Obviously two of those years will be spent obtaining the necessary number of signatures to turn power laces into a bill, and then a law. Part of each year will also be spent oxidizing and then shedding my coat. And a generous portion will be donated to charity.

Uh, of my time...And my coat.

Pist. German Shepard Style.

Life is full of easy decisions. One such easy decision is sleeping with a woman a decade your junior because she talks out of one side of her mouth and has the quality of being constantly stoned. I've fallen for a handful of Sarah's in my life with just those qualities, so I know from experience how Stork, Travis Stork, is feeling right now. And by right now, I mean months ago, during taping.


"I felt the same way about Sarah tonight. Sarah's personality radiates with everything she does, including when she talks out of one side of her mouth. I hope she understood that I did want to kiss her, but I'm just not going to do that at this point. I also hope she understand that I find the fact that she is obviously smoking rocks to be really hot. I just get so mad thinking about how in five or six years, she won't be as hot as she is now, but she'll be just as stupid."


Now, I don't get mad all that often, so when I do, a lot of people are generally very surprised and wet in their crotches, for one reason or another, by the end of it. Usually, boys are wet in their crotches because they made pee-pee, and girls are wet because they need my babies and also made pee-pee. Or they're raggin'. Which is code for "Medbing."

Hear that, higher education? I'm applying your stupid ancient nonsense to real-life situations and events and reality-show snarking!

And another one! I would never, NEVER, say anything about this to Stork's, Travis Stork's, face. And that is because the man would probably go all Cúchulainn on me and bust my lacrimals AND my vomer. He's a doctor, for German Shepard's sake. He knows what facial bones he's destroying when he destroys them.

Everything I Ever Kneaded to Know I Learned from Dough

I tried to use my car's keyless entry on my front door today. IT DOES NOT WORK. And yet, I certainly would not have been surprised if it had. I am generally on autopilot through much of any given day. Most of my conscious thought is dedicated to imagining strangers drawing me naked, fantasizing about punching certain people in the face until they stop breathing, and mentally anticipating the next issue of Fred Perry's Gold Digger. I'm a simple soul. I just do not have the time to consider whether or not pressing the unlock button will or will not, in fact, unlock the front door.

However, with my new "SUPER" spider-sense, reaction times are up 8000%! Woo-ah!

Mecha-Franklin

I just finished up a remarkable day of celebrating Ben Franklin's 300th birthday, and you know what he told me? He said, "Evan, it is no benefit to a man to have patches on his denim jacket of Spider-Man's head or the Superman 'S' or Wolverine, or any such foolish claptrap. No, what is truly the sign of decency in character is to have patches espousing fictional businesses and educational establishments, such as a patch of the logo for the 'Daily Bugle' or 'Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.'"

"Mayhaps even a patch for S.H.I.E.L.D.?" I asked.

"Indeed! Or a 'Speaker City' shirt," he said. Good ole' Honest Abe. Ben. Honest Frank...lin.

Movies That Time Refused

The following is not opinion, but a true-life Polar Fun Fact.


Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) would have been a much better movie with Michael J. Fox in the role of Ferris, Crispin Glover in the role of Cameron, Claudia Wells in the role of Sloane, and Christopher Lloyd in the role of Ed Rooney.

Ben Stein can stay.

Excellence in Broadcasting.

It seems idiotic, but I think it's fairly common that we meet people of importance to us just before we are going away somewhere. - John Irving

I'm pretty sure she was about sleep with me. Damn this stupid trip! I hope she still wants to sleep with me in two weeks. - Evan McB

I offer the above quotes as proof that if we have classes together this semester, you are going to have a lot of fun.

This is EXACTLY the sort of thing I'm talking about.

Good news! I will have my computer back in two weeks! But to help tide you over, here is a side-by-side comparison of me and Johnny Depp!

...

Psych! Because I need my computer to do that!

But that's okay! We'll just use our imaginations!

IMAGINE! Johnny Depp and I are both unable to grow respectable moustaches!