Batwoman

It's funny because I didn't change anything from publication. Well, maybe one thing.

It was a pornography store. I was buying pornography.

Today I accidently double-denimed. And yesterday I bought a backpack...a girl's backpack. My brain isn't letting anything get past me.

What's Kraken?

My tardy review of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest:

"Now where's that dog with the keys?" Every single time there was a new joke about the dog that has keys, I had to check my sanity, because I thought there was no way we were going back to do another joke about the dog that has keys, seeing as how we had already joked about the dog that has keys on 40 batrillion separate occasions. And I'm thinking, "Hey, maybe there's a stinger. I wonder what that'll be about." And it was a joke about the dog that has keys. Keys that can unlock your jail cell.

I'm really excited about the next movie. I'm hoping there's more about the dog that has keys. Maybe we'll meet the father of the dog that has keys. I hear he's heroin's only dog success story.

Where have I been for two years?

You know those times in your life when you look up a movie on IMDB that you've never actually watched and realize that it's been two years since it came out, and really, it seems like it's been, at most, only a year since that movie came out?

Well, I just lived through a patch like that, harrowingly.

Also, is Kurt Russell Jeff Bridges? And be sure to leave a comment for your favorite example of Hollywood "Was I thinking of that one guy or that other guy?"

Fix Your Tags!

A Perfect Circle is apparently a completely different band from Perfect Circle.

Really?


Information like that is the kind of nonsense that gets people sent to

TIGER ISLAND!

The James Carrington Funtime Hour

This is GREAT TV.



You know what it reminded me of?


Bet no one else thought of THAT!

I can't wait to bomb dodongos.

I never get tired of bombing some fucking dodongos.



Seriously, I will bomb that shit all day and all night.

Right. I know, right?

I only mention because I'm so bad at generating content. Also, I wish I owned the original art to that page.

Also, John Stamos is involved.

It's about gosh-darn time I was provided a film by Saget featuring Tracy Morgan, both (I) and (II).

Cybershot R.I.P.

After more than three years of incredibly trusty and crunk service, my Sony Cybershot DSC-U30 has begun receiving a series of frustrating and nattering and I hate it system errors, of the C:32 type. Any pictures that come out of it now look like this...


...which is actually a very svelte and charming and I like it effect, so I'll take das kamera out tonight and see if I can get some embarassing shots that don't include a complete amount of horizontal lines.

And HEY! In celebration of Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest completely trouncing Spider-Man's box office records, here's a metaphorical picture of me dressed as a pirate, alongside Spider-Man, dressed as a hockey player, looking trounced.

Has anyone else ever noticed that the opening riffs from Beverly Hills 90210's theme song sound exactly like the opening riffs from Toto's "English Eyes"? Wild.

Crunk Poster

Either John came up with this joke, or I did. I think he did. Everything was hazy after all those box wine stands, which aren't as Jewish as they sound.

Wrecker Report

Michelle Branch didn't come out afterwards to meet her adoring public, but the lovely Jessica Harp did.

She thinks I'm crazy. Or maybe she's crazy about me. We ARE were friends on myspace, after all.

My favorite exchange, after a woman (apparently a mother) asked Luke to take a picture of her and Jessica for her daughter. Which required Luke getting her e-mail address and phone number.

Mother: My daughter is getting into some music that I don't approve of...

Me: What, like the Eminem and Hoobastank and what not? (true quote!)

Mother: Exactly, and we're trying to get her to listen to more white people music. Like the Wreckers.

Me: But not those traitorous Dixie Chicks! (not true quote)

I love that b...

Now that's a comic book.

There's a reason this book outsells every other traditionally-sized comic 3-to-1. Specifically, She-Hulk's butt is the reason.

The Funny thing about mainstream America.

I have tickets to see The Wreckers on Thursday, and I am super-stupidly psyched. You would not believe how psyched I am. I absolutely cannot wait to see this girl who is three months younger than me (yet is married to a man two decades her senior with whom she has a child) perform barefoot next to her friend who serves the important dichotomy of being more attractive yet less popular, while the two of them sing songs that are almost entirely centered around why I shouldn't even look at them I'm such a prick.

The funny thing about mainstream America is that as soon as we heard the Country and Western types didn't want anything to do with the Dixie Chicks anymore, we debuted them at number one. It was a fucking concerted effort.

And I just have to get in on that kind of schizophrenia. On the ground floor. Y'know, before Newsweek tells me to.

That's some island.

Can you imagine how impressive and awesome a person would have to be in order to hold that pose in real life for, say, 15 minutes? Obviously, the kind of person who cannot be trusted sexually. The kind of person whose fate lies on the paesaggi abbandonati della...

ISOLA DELLA TIGRE!

Tiger Island. Where tigers kiss. Bacio della tigre!

No Escape!

I remember thinking this sign said something really hilarious at 3:30 in the morning, probably "Poop Avenue." Anyway, now it says "Lazer."


And here's what happens when you try to escape from Tiger Island. For you see, there is no escape from...

TIGER ISLAND!

Did I mention Autumn Reeser was a regular cast member next season?

She plays Taylor Townsend. Oh, look! Van Damme cuddling with a kitty!

ON THE NEXT “ACCESS HOLLYWOOD:” MISCHA BARTON CONFIRMS HER CHARACTER ON “THE O.C.” DIES AND REVEALS WHAT THE SHOW HAS IN STORE FOR FANS.

You're living in a Dreamworld.

Just seems to me that if you're going to be buying She-Hulk, you should do it through me.

And remember, now is the perfect time to get caught up with the series, which just concluded a two-part story that emphasizes the strong, important, and true moral: If you are a sexy male alien whom no woman can resist, you are a sexual predator and need to be tried for your crimes against womanity.

And what does the law do with sexual predators? It banishes them to live among their own on the scarred hellscape that is....

TIGER ISLAND!

Alternate placement possibilities for sexual predators include Wiggle's World and The After Dark Park.

In case you haven't seen it...

And, lest you think me ignorant, I present to my own self a cautionary tale of what the future holds for me if I stay the course.

Look upon this dancing, ye mighty, and despair!

I'm not saying you're wrong...

Have you heard Trace Adkins seminal 2005 smashly acclaimed C&W hit, "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"? Today, I did. I don't think anyone could have seen it coming, but really, we shoulda, brudda. I would share some choice Jungian anals* for this cultural collision, but honestly, my give-a-damn's give-a-dizamn's busted.**

*I have some choice Freudian stuff for that.

**I didn't buy Karaoke Revolution Country. Or, for that matter, Get On 'Da Mic. So, yeah, maybe I AM saying you're wrong.

Darkhawk!

Bad News for People who like Bad News.

"Bart! You haven't been listening to a word I've been saying!"

"Yes, Ma'am."

"Then what did I just say?"

"Uh...straighten up and fly right?"

"Pfft. That was a lucky guess."

Who's looking forward to X-Men 3?

Tom isn't.

Happy International Polar Bear Day!

Seth Meyers

That is the last time I wear women's deodorant.

Wow, that feels really good.

I don't need to fall at your feet
Just cause you cut me to the bone.
And I won't miss the way that you kiss me.
We were never carved in stone.

If I don't listen to the talk of the town
Then maybe I can fool myself...

It won't happen because I don't deserve to be happy.

Keanu Reeves might play the Silver Surfer! OMFG that would be so awesome!~

Me and John and I'm doing all the fun things.

R U REDDY TO LAUGH?

Evan's Top 3 For Friday! Oh Boy!

Phineas J. Whoopie, You're a Genius!

There's an episode of Garfield and Friends where Roy Rooster runs to the end of a rainbow following a rainstorm in the hopes of getting a pot of gold. Instead of a pot of gold, a leprechaun gives him a dirty sock, but gives Roy the option to trade for what's behind three different doors. Roy, of course, trades the sock for the first door, which contains immense wealth. Roy then trades for door number two, which contains even more wealth, as well as fame and privilege. Sensing a trend, Roy trades for door number three, which contains...a dirty sock.

Novelty T-shirts are totally cool with me, bra, but when I see someone younger than me wearing a shirt that has "Atari" emblazoned across the chest, I wonder how poor they were growing up. I'm 22, and I have never thought of Atari as anything other than a crap factory for crap.

Oh, and disregard the following if you're not Kanye West: They're called goombas, Kanye.

Getting Cut From the Cuddle Party

It hurts to be cut from the cuddle party. Everyone's just hanging out, having a good time, feeling all up on one another's delts and rhomboids and trapeziusesses and caressing golden locks and keeping the sexual energy low and safe...and then, BAM! You're told that you're just too young and it's weird that you still live with your mom and being Canadian is NOT COOL at a cuddle party. I know how it goes, and when the person who gets cut from the cuddle party is a person I showed up with, I just bury myself into the nearest ample bosom, ostrich-style, and hope for the best. No one is ruining this cuddle party for me.

Best Use of 'Woo' in a Song, One Through Three

Was ambushed by the trailer to Tyler's Perry's Madea's Family's Reunion's, and at first I thought they had gotten a new guy to star in The Nutty Professor 3: Klump This. Then I considered that, what with the second movie being such a surprise smash box office annihilator, THEY had gotten a new guy to star in Big Momma's House 3: Fuck You, America. Then I decided that I might be a racist. Then I decided that Michelle Monaghan is probably attractive enough that a girlfriend would not be jealous if I were to make out with her, and would be inclined to join in.

1. Rage Against the Machine, "Freedom"
2. Blur, "Song 2"
3. N*Sync, "Up Against the Wall"
   

Go get some beer!

The People Vs. SuperBlog

This is how it begins. Running Scared.

Outback people talk funny. The only rule is to not steal stuff off the walls.

Westin is the first hotel that says no smoking! Pas Fumare!

iSuperBlog

More ESPN Sports Heaven.

Those chick mudflaps love Yosemite’s new Honda truck.

How to cheer with beer. Not a specific kind of beer. Just the beer institute. Dot Com.

Why Do You Make Me Hurt You, SuperBlog?

Budweiser really put a lot of work into those cards.

What about Jack? You don’t know Jack.

MacGyver sure has gotten old. Mastercard.

Operation: Galactic SuperBlog

Sprint lets me download music when my girlfriend dumps me. Benny Hill.

Degree for Men, doing lots of stunts.

Emerald Nuts are nuts.

McCartney approves of Fidelity Investments.

SuperBlog: Fuck Yeah!

Less irritation, more of that five blades from Gillette commercial.

Pure Power Anthony Hopkins.

Trucks by Tacoma are invincible!

Eat At SuperBlog

CareerBuilder.com’s second spot. Monkey Monkey Monkey. Buncha Jackasses. “I don’t really like drinking at lunch.”

TacoBell: new spot for crunchwrap narrated by Adam West.

Monday, Took Her For a Drink on SuperBlog

That robot made that monster pregnant! And it gave birth to a hummer? It’s a little monster.

Don’t spread bacteria. Use Practical Solutions (PS), the New Clean.

Brokeback SuperBlog

Clydesdales know the important seriousness of responsibility and Dalmatian of beer delivery.

Fabio + Gondola = Old. Or Nationwide Insurance.

Checking scores on a celly with NFL Mobile.

I Got a Basketball SuperBlog.

Ameriquest won’t judge you when you’re humping on a plane.

Phone commercial for the PEBL, as seen in Italy.

Pirates are the new something or other, comedy, I don’t know. Hooks. Sharpie retractables.

All Your SuperBlog Are Belong To Us

Halftime show, featuring Heroin's only success story.

Suddenly SuperBlog

Sprint Phone has TV, downloads music. Crime deterrent.

All Fans are created equally, and will love the game and yadda yadda America. “You might just watch for the commercials.” NFL Network Go TEAM!

Yeah, okay, Desperate Housewives.

Ford knows Trucks. Trucks, trucks, trucks.

If SuperBlog Wanted Your Opinion, SuperBlog Would Have Asked For It

Go Daddy has boobies! Boobies, I tell you!

Fancy Choppers reveal the miracle of razors. Five Blades! From Gillette.

Apparently all these people know more about Desperate Housewives than I do.

SuperBlog doesn't love you anymore.

Play by play of the shaggy dog. Wow, he’s a dog! PG.

Kermit knows it’s not easy muppetering a bicycle. Ford loves the environment.

Wide Open? Young Lady, that’s filthy. Michelob Ultra Amber makes things darker!

Shaq knows more about Desperate Housewives than I do, apparently.

I was saying SuperBlog.

MI3 will help you enjoy life again. Dad: “That guy is so terrible, I want to see that movie to see Tom Cruise get him.”

Well, maybe she is a LITTLE fat. Campaign for real beauty.com

Dad: “I’m glad they showed us a girl with her throat cut on the Super Bowl, but thank god we didn’t see half a nipple.”

SuperBlog in Boots.

Monkeys get wild, wild, wild. Burning money is hilarious. CareerBuilder.com

Spooky Models want me to do what? Is that a Terminator? Oh, it’s a Cadillac.

NFL will read you Green Eggs and Ham. What have you done, you lazy son of a bitch?

On Being a SuperBlog

Busch Clydesdales. Woah! Streaking Sheep! And those guys sure ain’t brokeback.

With Cell phones, look at all sorts of cool stuff. Sports Heaven from Mobile ESPN.

SuperBlog and Robin.

Jackie Chan and Diet Pepsi. Which says that Diet Coke is tougher?

Cars spot. I wish I was a car.

No, really. AT&T and SBC will give you that network. Same spot.

Stop! Or Superblog Will Shoot!

Oh, it’s Spock. Or is that Steve Jobs? No, it’s Spock. Wait, is that Steve Jobs? Have some Aleve, Mr. Spock. Jobs. Galvatron.

Ameriquest won’t judge you if you kill that fly.

Clean the gutters? More like drinking some Bud Light! No, but really, about that leak in the roof.

V for SuperBlog.

V For Vendetta really should have come and gone already.

Diet Pepsi and P Diddy, two shitty shits that shit shit together. Brown and Bubbly. Dad: “That wasn’t funny.”

Revenge of Superblog.

Hybrids are wicked! English is the future.

Carrier Pterodactyl. Use FedEx. Napoleon Dynamite “gah.”

Bear attack. Use Bud Light! “Dave, Not Cool!”

Superblog in Paradise.

Michael Ian Black loves Sierra Mist. Wah-wah!

Bud Light secret revolving wall. Magic Fridge. Dad says it’s like blast from the past.

16 Blocks. “Heh-eh-heh.”

Son of Superblogging.

“How was your weekend, Davis?” It’s Easter!

Whopperettes? I hate women dressed as lettuce! At least they acknowledge that that king is freaky. Brooke Burke.

SuperBlogging Commercials.

Click spot with hall and oates.

Tostitos with girl working and three people eating delicious Tostitos.

pizza hut with popper bites and Jessica simpson is an idiot.

Finally, a network that connects us all.

“I’m going to Disney World.” Sucka!

Oh the places you’ll go with Harrison Ford. May not actually be a commercial. Finally a definitive answer to football readiness query.

Ron Howard's Daughter

Face it, Polar Bear, you just hit the jackpot!


I mean, that love triangle between Mary Jane and Gwen and Peter really confuses me. If William Moulton Marston wrote Spider-Man, he would have just married both of them.

Comics/Politics/Another Polar Pic!

Having your jersey number be 69 is crass, as is collecting every number 1 (collector's item!) comic. Collecting every number 69 comic? An idea that only a boy could think of! And so it is that I order Ultimate X-Men #69, a feat that Kirkman, Oliver, and a teen rating that is suggested for teens and up, could not get me to do normally. Better luck next time, Catwoman #54!

And you can have these:

• Brandon Routh as Superman definitely has the metropolisexual look down!
• It's not illegal search and seizure! It's freedom-tapping!
• 
  
  

My Mom is Really Funny.

My mom thought that new girl on How I Met Your Mother was the same girl that they left in the shopping cart in Animal House, most likely because she refuses to believe it has been three decades since that movie was made. She even asked Dad if he thought it was her. He said, "Yes, except she'd be 40 now."

"Well, then how is it her?"

"Maybe it's not," he said.

"Look," I said, using IMDB. "Her name is Ashley Williams."

"Weird," said Mom.

Then, she had an old lady rant about ice machines in fridges.

Anybody can love Moby Dick. Whales...and sales. Sails.

The 10 year plan is the new 5 year plan. But in order for me to be where I want to be by the end of 2015, I'm going to need power laces.

---

Besides that, I cannot say TOO much about my 10 year plan. Obviously two of those years will be spent obtaining the necessary number of signatures to turn power laces into a bill, and then a law. Part of each year will also be spent oxidizing and then shedding my coat. And a generous portion will be donated to charity.

Uh, of my time...And my coat.

Pist. German Shepard Style.

Life is full of easy decisions. One such easy decision is sleeping with a woman a decade your junior because she talks out of one side of her mouth and has the quality of being constantly stoned. I've fallen for a handful of Sarah's in my life with just those qualities, so I know from experience how Stork, Travis Stork, is feeling right now. And by right now, I mean months ago, during taping.


"I felt the same way about Sarah tonight. Sarah's personality radiates with everything she does, including when she talks out of one side of her mouth. I hope she understood that I did want to kiss her, but I'm just not going to do that at this point. I also hope she understand that I find the fact that she is obviously smoking rocks to be really hot. I just get so mad thinking about how in five or six years, she won't be as hot as she is now, but she'll be just as stupid."


Now, I don't get mad all that often, so when I do, a lot of people are generally very surprised and wet in their crotches, for one reason or another, by the end of it. Usually, boys are wet in their crotches because they made pee-pee, and girls are wet because they need my babies and also made pee-pee. Or they're raggin'. Which is code for "Medbing."

Hear that, higher education? I'm applying your stupid ancient nonsense to real-life situations and events and reality-show snarking!

And another one! I would never, NEVER, say anything about this to Stork's, Travis Stork's, face. And that is because the man would probably go all Cúchulainn on me and bust my lacrimals AND my vomer. He's a doctor, for German Shepard's sake. He knows what facial bones he's destroying when he destroys them.

Everything I Ever Kneaded to Know I Learned from Dough

I tried to use my car's keyless entry on my front door today. IT DOES NOT WORK. And yet, I certainly would not have been surprised if it had. I am generally on autopilot through much of any given day. Most of my conscious thought is dedicated to imagining strangers drawing me naked, fantasizing about punching certain people in the face until they stop breathing, and mentally anticipating the next issue of Fred Perry's Gold Digger. I'm a simple soul. I just do not have the time to consider whether or not pressing the unlock button will or will not, in fact, unlock the front door.

However, with my new "SUPER" spider-sense, reaction times are up 8000%! Woo-ah!

Mecha-Franklin

I just finished up a remarkable day of celebrating Ben Franklin's 300th birthday, and you know what he told me? He said, "Evan, it is no benefit to a man to have patches on his denim jacket of Spider-Man's head or the Superman 'S' or Wolverine, or any such foolish claptrap. No, what is truly the sign of decency in character is to have patches espousing fictional businesses and educational establishments, such as a patch of the logo for the 'Daily Bugle' or 'Xavier's School for Gifted Youngsters.'"

"Mayhaps even a patch for S.H.I.E.L.D.?" I asked.

"Indeed! Or a 'Speaker City' shirt," he said. Good ole' Honest Abe. Ben. Honest Frank...lin.

Movies That Time Refused

The following is not opinion, but a true-life Polar Fun Fact.


Ferris Bueller's Day Off (1986) would have been a much better movie with Michael J. Fox in the role of Ferris, Crispin Glover in the role of Cameron, Claudia Wells in the role of Sloane, and Christopher Lloyd in the role of Ed Rooney.

Ben Stein can stay.

Excellence in Broadcasting.

It seems idiotic, but I think it's fairly common that we meet people of importance to us just before we are going away somewhere. - John Irving

I'm pretty sure she was about sleep with me. Damn this stupid trip! I hope she still wants to sleep with me in two weeks. - Evan McB

I offer the above quotes as proof that if we have classes together this semester, you are going to have a lot of fun.