Back From Italy

The shitty quality of the above photoshop job is, at heart, a commentary on the shitty country of Italy.

And before I show you any pictures from the trip, I need my desktop with Photoshop installed on it to come back from the shop. Should be a couple of days.

What do you mean, how was I able to do the photoshop work in this post? This interview is over!

Going to Italy

I just like the idea of being comforted by She-Hulk. That's all.

Not only am I not learning anything, I'm forgetting stuff I used to know!

At the Zoo!

Luke and BJ and I went to Tulsa this weekend for April's birthday. Some of the things we did include:


Luke making a new chinchilla acquaintance.



Myself pretending a tampon can go in my penis to stop all my penis bleeding. On an unrelated note, a gay fella asked if he could shave me and I let him. Then he asked if he could shave my balls and I knew it would be a cop-out if I said no, so I let him. He had done such a great job on my face (uh...) that I never seriously considered that he would cut my balls. Which he did! So, for those keeping score at home, I now have a severed and repaired ACL, two broken hands, and a pair of nuts that look like a tiger got a hold of them. And speaking of tigers...



Luke and BJ rompin' some statues of big pussies. Oh, and another thing about my broken hands: I met a lot of people this weekend, and when you meet people, traditionally you shake their hands. I opted out of that a lot because it fuckin' hurts to shake hands with people right now. But the first gay guy I met at the gay club shook my hand anyway, and, well, let's just put it like this: It was no problem shaking every gay guy's hand that I met.

That was all very coarse. Except the Chinchilla. Which actually was coarse in its own way because he took 'sand baths.' Believe it...or not!

Dr. Drew

My only regret is that I didn't show Dr. Drew my impression of Adam Corolla. And that he didn't ask me to replace Andy Milonakis on "LoveLine." Those are my only two regrets.

Exact Feeling.

"I know sometimes I'm just out there,
And I know sometimes I can flirt a bit too much.
But I also know I love you,
And why can't you see,
That it's not up to me,
If I'm somebody's fantasy."

Corn!

Thanksgiving is a special time of year, fuckers.

Pink Party.

There was a party last night, and the theme was "pink." Yah. Jajajajajajaja.


Adam and Sarah. The "H" in Sara"H" stands for "Honorable." Hey, don't look at me, I'm just the messenger. And one of the chief architects of that theory. So look at me.



Jeffy's slut wasn't around, so I filled in. I mean GOT filled in. Why? Because I'm a good friend.



Wonder Twin Powers, activate!



I'm breaking three of the ten commandments in this photo. Charlton Heston would be so disappointed.

Bottles and Malt Liquor Stand in for Weiners and Jizz.

Weiners? Wieners? Weeners? Wiiners? Ketchup? Catsup? Ketchup...catsup. Oh, hello, young man. Are you here to solve my catsup dilemma?

Karaoke Revolution Party

Best. Marvel Crossover. Ever.

Sometimes, that's exactly how I feel. Not today, mind you. But sometimes.

Candy Stripers!

I don't know if this is true. But I do know that Karl was up for it.

THIS is a knife.

I have no clue why we were entrusted with sharp objects. My best guess is that there was some kind of shotgun contest that required the use of a knife to cut the cans. My guess continues: Flying Jesi won the shotgun contest handily. John was then drunk enough to lift Excalibur from the stone.

I think Brosh said it best:

Can't Get Enough of that Harvest Stuff

Frankly, I'm jealous.


Oh! Now, it's YOUR turn to be jealous.


Fuck! I'm jealous again.

Edmundo as Robin

Three Photos And Their Offensive Commentary.

Remember, kids, always plan ahead when you need to use a public restroom. Or make sure you bring your crotch fairy. To hold your crotch. God, I love crotch fairies.



Clay is receiving the holy sacrament of our lord and savior, Jeezie Creezie. I hope he's praying for some game, cuz he can't huck and he can't fuck. I mean, if he could fuck, why would he have to be with a DIFFERENT girl every night? No repeat business means no skillz. Mad fucking skillz.



Luke says he's got a story for me. Well, Luke, I'm waiting. But while I wait, I can fantasize about what the story is. Maybe it's about how he refused to use a condom in a sexual situation, or the issue of the condom just never came up. And then, when the whole thing's over, everybody's like, "Oh shit, we are definitely going to have a baby. and AIDS." At least, she's like that. I already know about my AIDS, and if I see a swell in that tummy, I'm going to Mexico. Ha ha. Just kidding. I'm not gonna tell you where I'm going, bitch. How do I even know that's my baby?

My imagination is exhausting.

Well, it IS a pretty good party trick.

I'm usually the one who snaps these pictures, but I'm always surprised when I come across one of BJax lifting up yet another person onto his shoulders.

Evtexco: When You Need Shit Done.

"Hello, Evtexco? I need some shit done."


"I reckon we can get that shit done for ya."

Birthday Girl

Monique had a birthday yesterday! The same day as Jean-Claude Van Damme. Neat

You're still me!

you got that right!

Yeah!

The Worst I Tell You!

This is for Danielle, my best friend since before I could walk. Keep chasing those stars, girl!

Sam

This is Sam. This is her responding to something incredibly real I just said, probably along the lines of, "You have valid and well-informed opinions on a variety of subjects, Sam."



That's Bjax in her crotch.

Sam's second-favorite thing to do is flip the bird. Her first favorite is sucker-punching me for keeping it real.

People looking awkward dancing.

This is a picture of me not writing a book about Rachel, as per our agreement. I know it may sound a little silly, but every time I have an urge to write a book, I just drink a lot and dance with pretty girls.

Evan and Mike: Yeah Yeah Yeah

This is me doing my best impression of Mike. Little do I know that Mike is right behind me! Also, I'm sipping on Gnac!



Later, Mike and I share a good laugh at John's expense (we made him shoot Gem Clear! Tee Hee!).

Seriously, Don't Step.

"Ooo, I'm so smart! I can get my rocks off on another guy's bed. Blessed art me for being such a Goddamn retard."

Seriously, idiots. Give it up. There will never be a point in time where I will not make your dumb ass unembarrassed by the effort.

No Longer On Duty

Don Adams passed away today. Please tell me I came up with that headline first!

I'm So Ronery

As is my wont, I was just watching the late-night SNL reruns on the TiVo, and one of those "Chat With Hot Babes Until You Squirt" commercials came on. I always make sure to pay close attention to these, so as to educate myself on how better to interact with women (I currently know 65% of their secrets, and am fast encroaching on the final 35%). For example, let me drop this piece of edutainment on yo' ass: they want to talk to me, NOW, live. That's right. Live.

But today, there was something particular about the LiveLinks commercial that caught my eye. A person who looked suspiciously liked Evangeline Lilly was doing her best to convince me that chatting live would be the best idea right now.

My first thought: "That woman looks like Evangeline, whose name is like mine, only longer."

My second thought: "It's probably her not-famous sister or something."

3rd: "Or something..."

Etc.: "Nope, that's her. Evan!"

"Uh. Maybe I better not think her name like that. I'm kinda weirding myself out."

"Wow. She is so much hotter since she decided not to eat as much."

Then I called the number and we talked for a while. We're going to play skeeball next weekend.

Happy Birthday!

I think everyone is pretty clear at this point about how drunken hijinx work.


I'm not clear yet on if I won or lost a bet for some peeps. At this juncture, all that is clear is that I'm a drunk-looking snufflelufflegass (sp). I wonder what I was drinking? Probably whiskey. And that's how Rachel Yingling turned whatever age she turned.

Meanwhile, Konami's all, "HEY!"

I really like Lost. But it turns out it's just the next wave in Chinese world domination.

So, you know those numbers, right? 4 + 8 + 15 + 16 + 23 + 42=108? And 108 was in a picture of the sun (a star) on a mural in the hatch? That's the easy part!

I knew I had seen that total used as an important story point before, and wouldn't ya know it, the 108 Stars of Destiny is the crew in Suikodens I-IV. That's hardcore. Some further reading on the subject divulged some fun facts.

• The original novel was written in the 14th century in China and was titled Shuihu Zhuan (Japanese: Suikoden).
  
• It's about 108 rebel bandits.
• The bandits lived in the marshes near the mountain of Liangshan, and the story was published in the West as The Water Margin.
• The novel is organized very similar to TV soap operas.

So, there you go. That was fun. We should really do this again sometime.

I just tell it like it is.

And in the lighter side of the news, here's how I am in love:

• You fall in love quickly and easily. And very often.
• You give and take equally in relationships.
• You need your space and privacy. You don't like to be smothered.
• You're secretly hoping your partner will change for you.
• You stay in love for a long time, even if you aren't loved back. When you fall, you fall hard.

Pretty awesome, huh? That quiz was like a laser! laser!...into my soul!

New Favoritest Picture

Fucking Bad-asssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss.

P.S. Lord of War sucks! Represent!

I no know. This no my job.

This guy's really funny. He'll straight up do ANYTHING when he's trashed.



I don't even know who's making fun of who here. We're both so sly like that.



Hentai! Woot! (Ryan loves hentai).

And there was this THONG that kept showing up in the photos last night. It was really funny. You should come over and check it out.

P.S. If I made out with your girlfriend last night, I'm sorry.

P.P.S. Not really.